Thoughts of a Queen
by inque28
Summary: Episode 04-08: Daenerys learns about Jorah's betrayal. Her thoughts and feelings in this situation. Sorry for any mistakes. I wrote the story originally in German and tried to translate it. Hope you like it anyway :-)


Daenerys felt her heart pounding like mad. Her hands were wet and a knot was growing in her stomach . The message that Ser Barristan had brought to her, roiled her heart.

Ser Jorah a traitor? This could not be... This MUST not be... He was her closest confidant, her adviser, her friend... the man that made her heart beat a little bit faster lately when he was near... who was responsible for her getting butterflies in the stomach for a long time, just by looking at her with his water-blue eyes...

She would have trusted him blindly, and he was supposed to have betrayed her trust in such a shameful way? Daenerys dithered between anger, disappointment and the hope that everything was just a horrible misunderstanding.

Foot steps echoed through the throne room when Ser Jorah entered and approached the steps that led up to her throne. Daenerys tightened herself and tried to put up the most possible neutral expression. Neither Missandei nor Ser Barristan and Grey Worm which were also present should realize her true state of mood.

Slowly, Ser Jorah climbed a few steps, but then stopped in a safe distance to Barristan and Grey Worm who eyed him suspiciously.

"Why did the usurper pardon you?" Daenerys asked in a calm voice. She was surprised how good she controlled her voice as she didn't dare to show any weakness. Neither in front of Jorah, nor in front of the others.

Jorah's lips trembled slightly, but then he straightened himself and answered calmly, too: "If we could speak alone?"

"No. Speak to me here. Explain it to me." Daenerys tone of voice was calm and frightening at the same time. A voice that didn't tolerate any contradiction. This she had to learn quickly as Khaleesi.

"Who do you think sent this to Mereen? Who profits? This is the work of Tywin Lannister. He wants to divide us. If we're fighting each other, we're not fighting him."

"The pardon was signed the year we met. Why were you pardoned? Unless you're saying this document was forged?"

Jorah's lips were trembling again; he struggled to pull himself together. Daenerys didn't miss that, too. "It is not forged," he answered finally.

"Why then?"

"I sent letters to Varys, the spy master of King's Landing."

"What was the content of these letters?"

"Information."

"What information?"

"When you and Viserys arrived in Pentos. His plan to marry you to Khal Drogo. When you were married. When you brother died..."

Daenerys had growing difficulties keeping calm. But she must not lose control of herself. Why couldn't he just speak bluntly instead of forcing her into this interrogation until she knew the whole truth?

"You told him I was carrying Drogo's child?"

"I..."

"Yes or no?"

Jorah's facade crumbled visibly. "Khaleesi..."

"Don't call me that!" she hissed. "Did you tell him I was carrying Drogo's child?"

Jorah hesitated before answering silently: "Yes..." Deeply ashamed, he dropped his gaze as he couldn't look in her eyes anymore.

Daenerys rose from her throne and descended a few steps to approach him. She wanted to directly look into his face when he confessed his betrayal. Wanted to understand it somehow.

"This wine merchant," she continued, "tried to poison me because of your information."

"I stopped you from drinking this wine." Jorah looked at her again.

"Because you knew it was poisoned!"

"I suspected..." Daenerys noticed his trembling voice and the difficulties he had to keep his composure.

"You betrayed me! From the first...," she hurled at him.

Jorah fell on his knees, only a shadow of the proud knight he once was. "Forgive me... I never meant..," he stammered and looked pleadingly up to her. "Please Khaleesi, forgive me."

Daenerys' composure was over now. As much as she thought to have felt for Jorah, disappointment and anger were bigger. And he should know that!

"You sold my secrets to the man who killed my father..."

"I have protected you, fought for you, killed for you!" he tried to interrupt her.

"...and stole my brother's throne! You want me to forgive you...?"

"I have loved you..." Tears filled his eyes. This time it was Daenerys who couldn't look directly at him. She knew that if she would do it, she wouldn't be able to end what she had started. But she mustn't show any weakness. As a queen, she had to be strong and wasn't allowed to be driven by her emotions.

"Love," she answered silently. "Love? How can you say that to me? Any other man and I would have you executed. But you, I do not want you in my city dead or alive. Go back to your masters in King's Landing. Collect your pardon if you can."

Jorah stood up, made a few steeps towards Daenerys and reached out his hand for her.

"Daenerys, please..."

But she drew back and lifted her hands deprecatingly. Her despising look was only half of what she felt. The other half was sentenced to remain silent.

"Don't ever presume to touch me again or speak my name. You have until dusk to collect your things and leave this city. If you're found in Mereen past break of day, I'll have your head thrown into Slaver's Bay."

Daenerys saw his shocked look full of desperation. It nearly broke her heart, but there was no way back. Jorah nodded nearly imperceptibly.

"Go," she said almost unhearable. "Now..."

Jorah regarded her in disbelief for a short moment, then looked down and turned around. Slowly he left the throne room while Daenerys gazed after him.

When he was out of sight, Daenerys let her hands sink and turned round. Missandei looked at her questioningly, but Daenerys' expression let her stay silent. Barristan and Grey Worm didn't dare to speak to her either. She forced herself not to run out of the throne room and rushed into her chambers. She just wanted to be alone with her grief. The tears were burning in her eyes and a lump made his way into her throat. She hadn't felt so helpless for a long time because now she had already lost the second man she had ever loved. He wasn't dead indeed – she didn't have the heart although she had had every reason to hand out this punishment – but she wouldn't see him ever again.

On days like this, she didn't want to be a Khaleesi anymore...


End file.
